Karl the Deranged
Karl the Deranged is a Terminator Chaos Lord and currently serves as the Master Chef of the Alfa Legion.
"I AM KARL THE DERANGED, MASTER OF CHEESE, WHIPPER OF A THOUSAND BABIES, CRUSHER OF A DUSSIN HOUSEHOLD PETS, STRANGLER OF MEN, WICKED . MAN OF CHAOS, OUTCAST OF THE BLACK LEGION FOR BEING TOO CRUEL, SAILOR OF THE SEVEN SEAS, TRAVELLER OF THE WARP, OBLITERATOR OF THUMBS, VETERAN OF THE ALFA LEGION, EX-BERSERKER OF KHORNE, ARRANGER OF A THOUSAND CHILDRENS PARTIES, MURDERER OF ATLEAST TEN THOUSAND CHILDREN, SUFFOCATOR OF WOMEN AND KEEPER OF THE SAUSAGE STAND DOWN THE ROAD!'" |
Home World:
Date of Birth: Affiliation: Rank: Loyalty: Status: Hobby: |
Swedesia
18,000,000,000 B.C Himself Master Chef No one knows, or cares... Alive Grinding people into sausage |
Birth
A long, long time ago, the entire vastness of time and space, including all matter and radiation of the entire universe was compressed into one dense and hot mass just a few milimeters across. A small shard, glistering of everything we know and so much more. This nearly incomprehensible state existed for just a fraction of the first second of all time. After this the first moment, in the trillion-trillionth of a second, the universe expanded with an absolutley incomprehensible speed from its small shard-sized origin to that of an astronomical size - the Big Bang occurred. As the empty and vast void of dust and darkness grew into something of incomparable beauty, something went wrong. What had gone wrong was something the universe had not expected. Amongst the swirling gases and dustclouds, semi-sentient life came about in the form of sizzling energy. These unconcious beings were the dominant lifeforms across the early universe, but there was one singular entity which was not like the others. Out of the dense masses of dust, a being was given birth right out in the emptiness of space. To human beings such as you and I, the being can be described as a tall, scrawny humanoid with two legs, two arms, a body and a head. It had a pale texture with a wrinkly complexion and massive deadpan frown upon its face. Karl was born, and he already thought this place was shitty. |
Life in the Void: For about 4.54 billion years Karl floated around in space. Sometimes just handlessly letting himself spin about, sometimes mastering the art of space-swimming and sometimes even managing to land on passing astroids. During this time Karl invented the first-ever diary to pass the time. In it he wrote about how boring and shitty everything was, and that something exciting needs to happen soon enough or else he'll go insane. With the invention of the diary (which actually just was a flat rock) he also invented writing and language. The language however consisted mostly of grunts and screams, while the letters he wrote were composed of violent scratch-marks and frowny faces.
Arrival on Earth: After 4.54 billion had passed, Karl managed to get into the orbit of a newly formed planet. Together with a massive rain of astroids, Karl violently crashed down onto the planet, where volcanic activity still reigned. Karl quite liked this sudden turn of events as it was the first time he had ever felt pain, so he strutted around on the planets lava-scourged surface making disgusting sounds for himself while throwing his legs up and down in the air. This is when Karl invented dancing and singing. Stone Age to Iron Age After many years of fucking about on planet Earth, the year is 1,800,000 BC and Karl is a tribesman. He has founded his own tribe on the savanna, consisting of himself and a dead marsupial. He mostly goes around and kills animals or other cavemen for fun, as Karl is the one who invented murder, and thinks its bloody hilarious. Karl also had lots of experience igniting fires long before any human species could. When any curious caveman came too close to Karl as he was setting up a fire, Karl used the phrase "FUCK OFF!" that he had invented, scaring the caveman away, effectively keeping fire-starting a secret. Eventually however, the cavemen realised how to start fires themselves, which greatly aided in their survival as a species. When Karl got wind of this he filed the first-ever lawsuit against the cavemen, inventing the cavelawyer which would later evolve into its own evil sub-species that live amongst us humans even to this day. Thousands of years later, during the dawn of the Iron Age, Karl had migrated to Egypt and become a Pharaoh. Ruling over his people with an iron hand, Karl wanted his people to build the most glamorous pyramid there ever was. However, due to the poor construction manual he had stolen from some pompous metal skeletons, the pyramid instead became an octagon. Karl was displeased. After this disaster, Karl decided to sleep for a few days. Thought dead by his subjects, he was embalmed and put in a casket as a mummy. After awakening once more, Karl decided to go away from Egypt and instead travel to Rome to become a Roman Centurion. He had lots of fun serving the Roman Empire, killing loads of different people. In the end however, Karl decided to leave the Empire too, as he thought wine was for pussies. After this he decided to go to the magical lands of medieval England, where he decided that he wanted to become a knight of the round table under King Arthur of Camelot. After several years of service as a maid or something, his application was finally accepted by the king's court and he became a knight. On his first day he decided to fuck up. During the jolly initiation song performed by his fellow knights, he started screaming about how he was promised new land by Arthur and that he wanted it. Arthur basically told him to shut up, making Karl retort that he should be king instead. In his anger, Karl attacked Arthur with a club, managing to kill some other asshole instead, only to be blown away by the medieval power sword Excalibur. After this giant failure he decided to gather a gang of hobos and turn them into the first-ever Men of Iron. After this, Karl managed to steal Excalibur itself from Camelot, which he forged together with his own arm. However, due to some convoluted plot nonsense Karl managed to get his new sword-arm stuck in the very stone Exaclibur was drawn out of in the first place. After this some shitty magic spewed out of the stone and Karl was sent to the immaterial realm known as the Warp, without an arm. As Karl now floated about in the Warp he was introduced to Chaos for the first time ever. When the daemons of the warp whispered into his ears about the gifts of the runinous powers, he went "FUCK OFF!" to everyone except for Khorne. There was something about that loud voice, awful breath and brutal mannerisms that Karl could see himself in, so he decided to devote himself to Khorne. After pledging his allegience to Khorne, he ended up back on Earth once more, this time becoming one of the first ever Champions of Chaos. He also replaced the stump for an arm he had with a hook to poke out eyes with. After decades of pillaging together with his new warband in the name of Chaos, Karl was eventually launched out of a cannon as the englishmen were sick of his shit. He landed in the sea and sank to the bottom immedietly. That is when Karl decided to master the art of walking under water. Eventually, he ended up on the shores of Denmark. He thought it was exceptionally shitty, and decided to join the Swedish army as a Carolean instead, killing both the Danish and the Polish. He thought it was great. |
Post-Medieval Peroid to Industrial Era
After being kicked out of the Caroleans for praying to Khorne instead of their sissy god, Karl decided to go back to England to get vengence on the English people for shooting him out of a cannon. He did this by killing all hookers in the country, making sexual frustration amongst men in the country skyrocket, resulting in an overload of depression and suicides, just how Karl liked it. He also invented marmite while he was at it, subtly taking control of the english people through its brainwashing influence. His plan was to take over the world using this creation, but for some reason it only worked on the british, as everyone else thought it tasted like shit (which incidentally was exactly what it was). World War I and World War II: When the first World War started, Karl of course joined in on the fun. He first took sides with the British, but after a while he just started killing everyone he could see, not taking any particular side. Karl had the time of his life. One day however, he was woed over by the German army and started fighting for them. The Germans managed this by giving to him a casing made out of intestine, filled with juicy meat produce - a sausage. Karl was entranced and fought more effectively than ever upon receiving these products. However, cunning as he was, Karl eventually betrayed the Germans and stole all the sausages in Germany. This is believed to be one of the primary reasons as to why the Germans lost World War I. Years later, when the second World War broke lose, Karl was eager to fight once more. However, when he was violently sprinting around in a bunker one morning he stubbed his toe on a metal doorframe. Never had he felt such excruciating pain. For the rest of the war, he hid himself in a metal box to avoid having such pain inflicted upon him ever again. He hid in the box long after the war had ended, and he only first got out when he was convinced by a psychiatrist that happened to be strolling by to do so. He was the best psychiatrist in the world, yet he was only payed minimum wages. Information Age and World War III During the modern age of information there were few wars to take part in. Those few that sprung up soon died down to Karl's disappointment. He often travelled from continent to continent in search for people to beat the shit out of without going through the hassle of sitting through another lifetime in jail. Karl couldn't even punch the pointless peasants strutting around the streets with their fancy talking-devices and hygenic clothes without getting into trouble for "infringing on their human rights". He thought it was awful, the absolute worst time to be alive. Soon enough, Karl decided to simply settle down for a while and try to meld with society as it were. He got himself a so-called 'computer' and started watching really shitty videos on the internet. He found these mildly amusing and decided he wanted to make shitty videos as well. So instead of killing people like he usually does, he started making videos that would ruin his viewers mind with an overabundance of idiocy. This eventually led to World War III. When World War III happened, Karl was back to his old self once more. He ran around the world as all continents were engulfed in nuclear fire, tanning his bleak skin in the bright atomic blasts. During these dark times he often liked acting as a nurse at children's hospitals, only to stare at them every night from across the room. All children in Karl's care died of fright. But fun times do not last forever, as humanity once more managed to unite itself under the banner of stellar exploration. Karl's time on Earth had been short in comparison to his eternity floating about in space so he wasn't very keen on going back out there. That is until the day when he suddenly heard on the news that there was alien life out there, and that they were starting wars with humanity across the galaxy! Karl was now hellbent on making it out into space, for a chance to experience the sensation of curb-stomping an alien. The Dark Age of Technology: During this time-period, humanity was at its peak of technological advancement and science was the god everyone worshipped. Karl knew better however, as he was fully aware of both the Warp, its effects, and the fact that his god - Khorne - was very real. With this knowledge, Karl decided to steal an early version of the Warp Drive, a piece of machinery that would allow spacecrafts to perform Warp-jumps, attaining speeds faster than light. After stealing this invaluable drive Karl realised that he had no ship on which to put it. He had to improvise. Thus, Karl put together a 'ship' out of a dozen big firework rockets, future duct tape and several gutted corpses to appease Khorne. The lift-off commenced, the rocket created a rift through time and space and Karl died several times, but he just barely managed to get through and ended up on the other side of the solar system. He was now on Pluto, which he legitimately found almost as shitty as Denmark. Karl cried a little and then decided to return to Earth. Upon his return, Karl noticed that all of humanity was now fighting the Men of Iron, similiar to those he had created during medieval times. Karl felt very nostalgic over this and decided to infiltrate their ranks, effectively pretending to be a robot out for human blood. Karl found this to be a lot of fun, but humanity eventually managed to defeat the Men of Iron so Karl had to take off his makeshift tinfoil costume that he was so proud of. But times ahead were looking brighter than ever for Karl, as Earth entered into the Age of Strife, a time of pure misery for anyone who wasn't born a rock. The Age of Strife: As more and more psykers suddenly spawned across various planets, warp storms threw the galaxy into turmoil. The Warp Drives no longer functioned and no human colony could contact one-another. An age of isolation had come upon the human race and no place was more affected by this than humanity's own cradle, Earth. After years of abuse, Earth was nothing but an empty wasteland. Here, merciless bandits known as techno-barbarians roamed the lands, doing whatever they pleased. Of course, Karl thought this was absolutely brilliant and became a techno-barbarian himself. Amongst all the warlords of this regressive time-peroid, Karl became one of them. Instead of joining the already existing warbands, Karl decided to found one his own, consisting of himself and a dead marsupial. Karl fought and conquered lands such as the ancient remains of South Virginia and the Dead Sea, slaying many a hobo. But after some time, a big warlord managed to conquer not only his land, but everyone elses lands as well, ending up becoming the Emperor of Terra. Karl wasn't very fond of this, but he figured fun times have to come and go after all. With a disappointed sigh, Karl decided to join in on this new Imperium-thing that was growing all across Earth. |